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JUN | 2019 + 0 comment ♡
We're halfway through another year. I haven't posted anything for the past 4 months, but I've suddenly got the blogging mood back again (although I know it won't last very long).
I try my best to write little notes of my thoughts when I'm going through a rough patch either on my phone, notebook or social media. Sadly, I haven't been doing that enough as well despite the numerous rough patches I've had the past few months.
I do it so that I can remember all of the whats, whys, hows and to let go of the negative feelings during my bad days. After a good few weeks of not writing how I've felt, I realise that I've forgotten some of those days. I'm still unsure if it's a good or bad thing that I don't remember.
It's great that I realise it wasn't that important (as I thought at the time) that I've forgotten about it, but it's also frustrating that I can't look back at the situation after a few days to really think about what went wrong and if there was anything I could take from my feelings then to improve myself.
Fortunately, I've got the mood to blog during the first few days of the month so I can remember! Over the past few weeks, I've really been struggling with all of the insecurities I managed to keep under control for a few months. I understand that all insecurities resurface once in a while, but, I've had even more difficulties taming them this time around. Even though I've grown to understand, accept and co-exist with my insecurities, the mind and its thoughts can be crippling for even the strongest people. I'm definitely NOT one of the strongest (yet not the weakest either)
I've narrowed it down to two of my insecurities this time,
Self-Love (looks) and Trust (myself and others)
A few days ago, I posted a little tweet which was along the lines of "some days you feel pretty af, then you feel not good enough for the next week". I really felt with my tweet that day. It made me feel better getting it out there, cause tbh, it's a bit strange for me to randomly text that to even my closest friends. I'm not here to put my troubles on them. I still feel that way till today, I look at myself in the mirror when I get the chance -- not because I'm vain, but because I wonder what other people see. Even when I snap myself out of the "don't please others" thought, I end up falling into the "I don't feel pretty enough for myself" thought. What's worse is that I stay that way for a good few days no matter who tells me I'm good enough, etc. Because I don't feel it.
Then, I get a few friends who do notice something is up with me and console me. Time and time again they all ask me what can they do to make me feel like I'm good enough for myself. That's where I get stuck. I just don't know yet. I'm sure I'll find out soon, but right now? Nothing and that sucks.
Lately, I've been gaining some weight. Healthy, but still, I can't get into a few favourite pairs of denim shorts anymore hahaha and that's been contributing to my self-love insecurity. A little more flesh on the bone is good for everyone, your weight doesn't determine your beauty or personality at all. Yet, every time I bring out my favourite little black dress to feel beautiful for the night, I can't fit into it.
Of course, I want to stay in shape to personally feel good about the way I look as well as it's important for my health (and height to be honest), but I'm currently in that vicious cycle of not working out > gaining weight > feeling demotivated. I need to push myself, but a work out partner would be nice..
Trust issues, some of us have them and there's the lucky few that don't. I'm sort of in-between that. My rough patch the past few weeks have been extra difficult because every now and then, I start to wonder if the very few I call my close friends will be there in the next 10 years from now. Although I know the answer, these insecurities cloud all rational thoughts.
So bad that I even start to question my love life. I hate that.
I love my close friends and my girlfriend. I know that I do and will for the rest of my life. Yet, I still have sporadic thoughts during my rough patches if they love me the way I love them. Again, although I know the answer, the clouding negative thoughts are too much for me to manage all at once and that's where I start feeling miserable. My friends & girlfriend have seen this insecurity more than enough times to know that it's a passing feeling that doesn't mean anything at the time. But, I know that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them as much as it hurts me. I know they're sad too.
Honestly, no one likes the idea of being replaced. Sure, some people may not care about it as much as others, still it hurts to a certain degree. Unfortunately, for people like me who are too in-tune with their emotions, it gets the better of us every now and then. This rough patch is just that for me.
When I wake up in the morning, I go about my day, then I see my friends online or something triggers me which gets me thinking, will the few people I love end up replacing me with someone else because I'm sad like this? I question if my emotions will drive them away. Leading to being replaced because I feel too much. I'm sad..
To my girlfriend, I know you love and trust me. I need you to know that I do too, but I need time to fix back all of the pieces that were broken before. From the big shards to the tiniest of pieces that may have been swept under the rug. During this time, you have to understand that it's me that I'm worried about. I worry I'm either too much or not enough for you which all my thoughts lead to wondering if you'll leave me for someone else. AGAIN, although I know the answer to everything, it be that way sometimes (inside joke). I know, it's tiring to keep reassuring me that I'm making shit up in my head unnecessarily and that you care for me but I guess that's what being with me takes. The feeling of needing this reassurance will fade, but right now it's at its peak. I'm sorry if this is hard for you.
I realise I make things difficult when they don't need to be. You're patient and kind, and at times like these where I'm going through a rough patch, I honestly feel that I've done nothing right for you or this relationship. Which often makes me wonder if you think you'd be happier with someone else. Someone stable. Someone more mature. Someone who's the opposite of me.
I know you won't hurt me. I trust you the most in that aspect because you know what I've been through, how could you hurt me after knowing everything right? It would make you something more than cruel if you did. Which is why I know you won't.
So, give me some time to heal and everything will be the way it was.
This I promise you.
I've realised that for my trust issues during times like these, I fall into this vicious cycle of feeling too much > not saying anything > making others miserable. Like I've always said, I don't like making other people around me sad or angry. I fucking hate it. Yet, I know I wear my heart on my sleeve. Since I was a little girl, everyone who knew me, knew whenever I was angry or sad. Even when I try to conceal it, it doesn't make a difference. I've come to terms with the way I openly express the way I feel even when I don't notice that I do.
With one look at my face, you can tell when I'm bursting to give you my two cents or when I'm gasping for air beneath my held back tears. Sadly, that makes it even harder on the people around me and I don't know what to do. So, not only am I unhappy with myself, I'm angry that I'm making everyone else sad and to put the cherry on top of that, I don't know what to do about it except cry or shut myself out.
WHICH MAKES THINGS WORSE. AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I'm proud of realising what's wrong and in the process, I've learned what needs to change. Slowly but surely, I'll get to be the best version of myself.