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Forgiveness + 0 comment ♡
This is the beginning of the end, and i'm glad. I took that step i needed to take for a long time and i'm proud of myself.
Of course i had a lot of help from the ones i love,
but without self love, i wouldn't have done it.
It was scary walking into the room where i'd tell a complete stranger things about myself that even i found obscure. I told her things that went on in my head at night when i can't sleep, and i told her things i wish i couldn't feel. Although she's definitely heard more stories like mine, and that she's trained to help and advise the likes of me, she just couldn't hide her expressions when i told her the things i did.
But that's okay, it shows she cares; or maybe pities me.
It was difficult holding back tears, so i didn't. It wasn't the hardest i've cried, but it was the realest. I wasn't crying because of my stories or how i felt about the way i've acted in the past. I cried because i was scared of being vulnerable and i didn't like it. How it was to break the only wall of protection i built for myself, all for a stranger to advise me on what to do next. Scary that was, more than anything i've encountered before. I didn't like it.
But it had to be done, this was for myself too.
When she asked me what brought me there on that day, i paused and i really thought about it. The easiest answer would have been because i wanted to seek self help. But no, i said for my loved ones. Truth be told, although i had made my way all the way there, i still wanted to run home. But, if i did that, i wouldn't be where i am today.
I told her everything about everyone i loved and ever did love, my family, my friends, my girlfriends. Everyone that played a significant role in my life, even the ones that aren't here with me anymore. I still love them and this is for them.
The only reason why i turned to suicide was because this small body couldn't bottle the sea of emotions that was overflowing. I wanted nothing but numbness. And here i thought, dying would achieve that.
It was around here when i started bucketing tears, telling her about the ones i've lost and the friendships that were burned. I told her about the feelings i had and how i wanted to feel numb for a period of my life. Occasionally the feeling of wanting to let go of everything completely still comes back to me, but i've let myself accept most of my emotions.
It's still hard to hold back tears even when i'm writing this for myself..
Once the day was over, i went home proud of myself. That night i really had a different perspective on a lot of things. For the first time in a very long time, i actually wanted to be here despite everything i was going through. I still wanted to be here. That's a start.
I told my girlfriend about the session i had and the verdict of it all. She's proud of me and i know she's relieved. Although not entirely, but some weight has been lifted off her shoulders, she doesn't have to tell me for me to know.
It's not easy being with someone like me but we still make our way through it.
As for my mum, well, she wasn't too happy with the idea of medication but she knows it's for the best and she's willing to support me. I'm glad.
For a mother to hear her daughter is mentally unstable, i can't begin to imagine the worry and the hurt. What could have caused such a thing? Well, i'll get to that one day.
Still not ready to open up about that just yet.
Every day i think about one or two things that have hurt me in the past, it may be because of myself or something external. Either way, i tell myself to forgive and let it go. Most of the time, it's me forgiving myself for allowing things to happen to myself. And that's okay, everything starts by forgiveness.
I forgive myself.