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Alignment + 0 comment ♡
Every now and then we need time to recharge and reconnect with ourselves.
Todays one of my days to fall back into place.
The past few days i haven't been feeling normal, i've been making clumsier mistakes and it's disrupting my every day life. The days leading up to today have been especially tremendous, it's dangerous because i'm not actually focusing when i think i am?
I could be so convinced that i'm in focus yet i slip up not knowing how. So i decided that i finally need this realignment with myself.
During previous months, i've been at my highest and my lowest. I found it confusing as to how everything was both cascading like rain down stairs and blossoming like flowers in spring. It wasn't the first time i've felt this way, but it sure was a lot heavier than it ever was.
I've noticed the imbalance i have with myself, friends, family, love life and school. However, due to all the rush of things i couldn't bring myself to have a quiet night dedicated to myself. I wanted to fix the imbalance and right the wrongs there and then. I wanted everything to be solved without any hesitation, which led me to close an eye to how it was detrimental to myself and the people around me.
I wasn't solving anything, i was creating bigger loop holes.
School was tougher than usual, nothing i couldn't handle.
Family was unravelling, but there's always more needles and thread.
Yet, my friends.. they were no where to be seen. And i didn't know how to fix it.
All of these contributed to the toxic feelings i had about myself, in which they affected my love life a couple of times.
At the time, i didn't see anyone that i could confide in other than my girlfriend whom i love ever so much. Although yes, my girlfriend does make me feel 1000x better about everything, i wanted to be around a close friend; An actual friend who has known me for a good few years of my life and that was the problem; All of my friends weren't there.
I talked to my girlfriend about feeling this way, feeling as if my friends are slipping away. The closest of friends seem the furthest away from me, and she reminded me that my friends and i are all in the same stage of life. We've all ventured into a whole different environment that's not high school anymore, we've developed responsibilities to ourselves and the people around us. We need time to adjust ourselves and find the proper balance.
She reminded me that in a few years, we'll mature and fall back into place if it's meant to be. I believe that whole heartedly, see like i said, i thought i was focusing but really, i wasn't.
Every time i felt alone or felt as if i had no friends, i started digging through conversations trying to find a friend who'd talk to me. When no one did, i felt worse. I thought to myself at the time, what did i do wrong?
But, my girlfriend always reminds me to stop blaming myself for everything. And in this case, it's neither my fault not my friends. It's us changing. If we're meant to be, then we'll fall back together.
Throughout feeling alone and helpless, i decided to take the night off tonight to really be by myself. Instead of trying to fill in the empty spaces with meaningless chats, i'm embracing the silence. Writing my feelings down is one of the ways i properly connect my heart and my mind together, i feel better already.
I'm no introvert, neither am i a total extrovert. Finding a common understanding between the two characteristics is a whole thing on it's own, finding ways to feed both personalities does take effort.
It just comes to show that all i need, is self alignment.
Ps: To my beautiful girlfriend, thank you for being patient with me. I love you.