recently, i lost someone close to me. she was always there for me and was always patient with me, she was the most kindest person that i have ever met.
it was only the other day we planned to see each other and have a chat over food at a mamak near by.
but i guess it wasnt meant to be. she got involved in an accident and never made it through.

i cant explain how devastated i am and how every day i put on a brave face to mask how i feel. no one understands us the way we used to.
i hide the way i feel because i dont want to speak about her anymore.
talking about her brings me all the bittersweetness of the friendship we had mixed with the blood on her face.

but its all over, and i have to burry her deep down.

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friendship update :
friends all come and go as they please, so i have been learning how to say no and to put my foot down when i feel the friendship isnt benefitting either party.

recently, a friend of mine had said the most heart aching thing that ive heard in a long time.
im a difficult person to be around since i hide my feelings instead of expressing myself. (says them but honestly, they just aren't the right people)
my friend is really expressive and expects me to be just like him in terms of showing my true thoughts, sadly i cant do that.

he is himself
i am myself

there is no possibility that i could become like him instantly. i am learning slowly to open up and break my walls not only to let people i love in, but to let myself back in.
he said that i acted as if i was the only mentally tired person out there in the world, that hurt me a lot.
it sounded as if he was saying my feelings were not valid, only because there are others out there that have it was worse than i do.
i believe that others do have it much more horrible than i do, but that doesnt mean my feelings do not matter.

one thing lead to another and more hurtful comments were left hanging in my mind, and without further hesitation, i cut him off.

people have said to me before that i am scary when i cut people off.
i may have known you for years but in an instant, you can become nothing to me. i feel like thats my true talent hahaha. a better talent than others.
i never run back to the people i cut off.
but if i ever do, it will be a miracle and there is something that i have to chase after.

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relationship update :
same ol same ol

whats new these days.
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to be continued. ( i neeeeed foooood )