i have never been so confused in a long time ; its unsettling that i realise i've reached an age where predicaments like these are some that don't have a -run away- option neither a -hide behind a wall- button either.

its a dream to have everything all planned out.
believe me, i have had countless of plans laid out in my head ; maps ; roads ; options.
but that was all when i didn't have to make decisions just yet.
yet, when the time comes for me to choose a pathway ; i'm stuck. stuck as i'll ever be

a cross between doing what i love & believe in OR be the daughter they've always wanted.
was there any daughter that they've ever wanted? a specific character? did i make that all up in my head just to seem like i don't have choices? did i just pretend to blame my parents for my own fear?

maybe i did.
maybe i didn't and i didn't even know it.

seeing that my family isn't the most financially stable ; we're able to get by and live comfortably.
i'm in no position (esp. in this era) to take advantage of that.
yet, doing what i love & believe in results in me still taking advantage of it wether i choose to notice it or not.
it might seem a little childish for me to be ranting about something so small.
ranting about something that not many in the world would be able to even get a glimpse of
as ashamed as i am of this, i still feel i have my rights to choose to pursue something that i have hope and passion for.
do i not?

i sat in the shower for over an hour, letting the water fall upon my skin while i let the amber rays of the setting sun peep through the windows and cast an orangey-almost-hopeful shadow on the water.
thinking thought upon thought - i decided that i would be the not-so-troublesome daughter and choose the less financially suffocating option and instead choose an alternative that i would be able to survive with.

i realised that also i'm doing this for them. is that what i really want to be considering right now?
them? or me?
after all, its only me, myself and I in the end. who matters most? who knows.
a selfish person would say that their feeling are the only ones that matters ; fortunately i am not that type of human being.

i'm still torn either way.

what will i do next?